:: October 15th

Friday, October 15th was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I'm posting this a little late because I couldn't write this without crying until now.

Only our close friends and immediate family know what we have been through this year. It's not that we're ashamed of what we've been through, but it's a very emotional and personal thing to go through and most people don't know how to talk/act to someone in our situation. Honestly, it's something you truly have to have gone through yourself to know how Alan and I feel right now.

Every time I see a mother, I envy her. Every time I hear someone who is so very fortunate to be able to carry a pregnancy complaining about being pregnant or her pregnancy symptoms, I want to yell at her and tell her just how lucky she is and that I would give anything to have morning sickness. Every time I hear of another parent abusing, neglecting or murdering their kids, I just lose it. There are so many people out there that want a child so badly, but are struggling to either get pregnant, to be able to carry a term pregnancy or to have implantation occur in the correct place--like me. Every time I hear/see of yet another drug addict or 16-year-old who is pregnant, I get a flood of emotions, from mad to upset, jealous, sad etc. And when I hear a parent who has the nerve to actually be upset because they are having a boy when they wanted a girl or visa versa, I want to punch them in the face.

It's just not fair.


I  know that if I am able to have a child, all of the pain and suffering Alan and I have been through will be "worth it". We will never, ever forget about the children we lost or stop wondering if they were a boy or girl, what life would be like if they were still here, or who they would have grown up to become.

I broke down crying on Alan's birthday the other night for the first time in about 3 weeks. It's not that I am not thinking about everything we've been through the past year, but because I have been so busy with blood draws, doctor's appointments, rushing back to the ER, attempting to go to work (entirely too early), having several nose bleeds a week that last up to 45 minutes (from the Methotrexate injections) that make me feel like some sort of drug addict, I have been in moderate to excruciating pain for a month now and quite frankly--I've just been trying to keep my tube from rupturing and stay alive. 

I look forward to the day I actually acknowledge that all of this isn't my fault. I know deep down that it's not, but that doesn't stop me from feeling this way. I feel like a failure in some way for not being able to give my husband the child he wants so badly. Like I've said, it is something you have have personally gone through to truly understand how I feel. It's pretty easy for other people to say--"maybe it just wasn't the right time", "this is all in God's plan", "you're so young, you guys have your whole lives ahead of you", "since you're working at a preschool now, I bet your glad you didn't have any kids after all". It takes all the strength in the world for me not to respond in the way I would like to. I wouldn't wish our experiences on anyone. Absolutely no one deserves to go through this.



01.20.10
04.14.10
09.17.10